Mocktails: The Fad You Can Safely Ignore

In a world where trends come and go faster than a bottle of Chianti at Sunday dinner, mocktails have somehow wedged themselves into the conversation. Fancy-looking, overpriced, and completely missing the point, these booze-free concoctions are trying to convince people they’re worth the hype. But let’s be honest—mocktails are a solution to a problem that never existed.

The Illusion of Sophistication

One of the biggest selling points of mocktails is that they supposedly let you “join in” without drinking alcohol. But if you’re looking for a drink that tastes complex, balanced, and satisfying, why not just have the real thing? Mocktails rely on syrups, juices, and soda to fake the depth that spirits naturally provide. It’s like trying to make a steak out of mushrooms—it might resemble the idea, but it’ll never come close to the real experience.

Cocktails have a history, a purpose, and an artistry to them. The way alcohol interacts with ingredients—the way a well-aged bourbon rounds out a Manhattan or how the botanicals in gin elevate a Negroni—isn’t something you can replicate with fruit juice and a splash of sparkling water. At best, mocktails are dressed-up sodas. At worst, they’re expensive Kool-Aid in a fancy glass.

Why Pay More for Less?

Mocktails are proof that people will pay for presentation over substance. Somehow, bars and restaurants have convinced customers to fork over $12 for a mix of ingredients they could get from their fridge. Meanwhile, a well-made cocktail is worth every penny because it’s an experience—a balance of flavors that’s been refined over centuries.

You wouldn’t pay full price for a car without an engine, so why pay for a drink that’s missing the one thing that makes it a drink?

The Social Deception

Some claim mocktails make it easier for non-drinkers to feel included. But let’s be real—if you’re not drinking, you don’t need a disguised drink to justify it. No one needs to trick themselves into “feeling part of the group.” A soda, a club soda with lime, or even just water does the job without the unnecessary theatrics.

Alcohol has been a part of human civilization for thousands of years. It has cultural significance, historical roots, skilled labor, traditions handed down over generations, and—let’s not forget—flavor. The rise of mocktails isn’t a revolution; it’s just another marketing gimmick.

What’s Next? Aged Water? Vintage Ice Cream?

Like all fads, mocktails will have their moment, and then they’ll fade. Remember when everyone was obsessed with chocolate wine? Exactly. The difference is that alcohol isn’t a trend—it’s been around for centuries and isn’t going anywhere. Meanwhile, mocktails are already teetering on the edge of irrelevance.

So next time someone offers you a mocktail, do yourself a favor—skip the overpriced juice and grab something with a little history, a little craftsmanship, and a little kick. Or if you really want a mocktail, at least have the decency to call it what it is—a Shirley Temple. Cheers.